“Do you like it here, running a bar in Spain?”

So you smile and you nod, and you lie yet again

“What would you pay for a bar like this?”

Is the cheeky sod buying, or taking the piss.

Next time he comes in the bar for a drink

I’ll show him this poem and say “What do you think?”

He’ll probably think it’s a bloody big joke

So let him buy a bar and go F…..g broke.

The first few days are like a vacation

Then comes the hassle and the aggravation

The nice Gestoria whose advice you took

Has taken your cash now he don’t give a F..k

You’re running a bar, you’re totally legal

You’re smoking shit that’s nothing like Regal

You’re living like gypsies, in some tatty flat

paying double it’s rent to some robbing twat

Each time a Spaniard walks in the door

Your heart skips a beat “What’s he come in for?”

Is he Town Hall, Sanidad or Hecienda Inspector

or plain clothes police with a noise detector?

Autonimous, Work Permits, Facturas and Rent

Look at the F…..g money we’ve spent

“Where are the Tourists?” They said we’d be heaving

I’ve learnt on this Island seeing is believing.

At last it’s summer the Tourists are here

You’d better order some extra beer

This is the time of milk and honey

Till it dawns on you they’ve no F…..g money!

“Can you give me two glasses to put one coke in?”

You feel like saying “You’re F…..g joking”

How much is a pint, what’s half a beer

What the hell are you doing here.

One day all your papers arrive at last

Whoopee! We are legal! It’s all in the past

Inspectors can come in you can show them the lot

Bt there’s always one paper you haven’t got

Now comes the hear, the flies and cockroaches

You’re rooting round waste skips like urban poachers

The electrics are frightening, the bogs don’t flush

The water even rots your nylon toothbrush.

By the end of the season you’ve made a few quid

You’re knackered, you’re hungry, but hate f…..g squid

You’ve lost over a stone and suffered from cramp

Now you’ve discovered your apartment is damp.

“Do you like it here well that do you think?”

We can’t go to sleep without having a drink

We’re missing our kids, we drink too much beer

Of course we like F…..g living here!

BALEARICS TO YOU!